I wrote a piece about the capacity of our hearts for She Loves Magazine. Our new normal has my heart, mind and body stretched wide beyond
what feels like capacity once again.
Daily, I have to remind myself that an immeasurable God has made me and
everyone in our family, and that the same immeasurable God is for us and carries
us. It’s only been one month since we
brought our Everly home, but it feels like a lifetime has passed.
we had known about adoption before starting the journey. I couldn’t answer. We’ve been walking this journey for years and
yet now it feels like we only just arrived at the base of the mountain and we’ve only just begun our trek up. I told her to ask me again in 6 months. This month has been thick with tears, sleep
struggles, grief and so much joy. Our little Everly has
faced sadness and confusion and our hearts have broken as we have walked alongside of her in it. Though her grief has
been greater than any of ours, our whole family has grieved in the midst
of this transition. We have
gained so much with the addition of Everly, but it would be inauthentic to say that’s
all we felt this past month. There has been grief and gain. The two have been inseparable this season.
kids were asleep and Matt and I sat on the
couch and ugly-wept. We cried for Everly and the amount of loss we were
watching her face. We cried because we
know she will always carry some of that loss with her. We cried as we recounted how awful our flight
home was. We cried for our boys who were adjusting to the transition, and for the
one who struggled the most to welcome the changes. We cried because the “us” we had been waiting
and working for, for so long, felt
different in the reality of it, and the “us” we had known so well, was altered. We cried because we knew we were in uncharted
(by us) territory and the loss of control we felt terrified us. And we cried because we were so tired.
grieved and what we hoped for. I
remember looking at Matt at one point, my face swollen and snotty and his eyes
red, knowing we were right in the sweet spot where the space before us was wide
open with the chance to lay our full dependence on God. Would we release our tears, give them up to
God, and lean fully on him, entrusting our whole family to him?
through the night,
the morning.” Psalm 30:5
Our sweet girl is laughing often these days. Her joy and delight are contagious. She has already added so much to “us” and
though we were told that it might take 6 months before we feel like we don’t
remember what life was like before she came along, it’s already beginning to
feel that way, bit by bit. She is beginning to speak and try to communicate. She was almost silent those first few weeks,
aside from crying. She has come so
far. Our first week together, we spent
most nights with her screaming, resisting sleep and resisting most of the ways
we tried to comfort her. We co-slept,
had her in our room next to us, and then moved her to her own room. She’s sleeping really well in her own room
now, and is starting to go to sleep without a single tear. She loves to share
and dance and give hugs, bopos (kisses) and Baymax-style fist bumps. She adores her brothers. She loves being
outside and squeals with delight over the smallest things, like walking on
grass. She is observant, inclusive,
empathetic, joyful, silly, sensitive, feisty, shy and curious.
love with what the 5 of us looks like as well.
Bumps and all. And we are praying
for the things in our family story that are bigger than we know how to fix or
change or control. Releasing those things in prayer, instead of looking for
another way to try to fix them ourselves, has been so humbling yet so freeing, powerful and unifying. We
look ahead and have hope despite the unknown. I pray the verses below to be true for our girl.
mourning into joyful dancing.
my clothes of mourning and
joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I
will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12